those words seem to be echoed a lot recently. especially this quarter!! this year has been keeping me on my toes!!
a few weeks ago, i was going through something that i couldn't even understand. it was difficult, affecting my walk, and affecting how i related with others. i couldn't understand or process it no matter how hard i tried. and i didn't have much time to figure it out either. it seems i always get pushed to my limit and then i explode and everything comes out at once. it's almost as if that's what it takes for me to be real with people. and i'm sick of that.
it's something i've been working on. not putting on a facade and it's the hardest thing. and it's not even that much pride more than not knowing how to show when i'm not doing okay. i'm so used to having that expectation to always be that joyful person everyone perceives me as which i genuinely am but only 95% of the time. or maybe less than that because i'm becoming more exhausted.
i don't know.
anywho, hilary was texting verses to people and this one really spoke to me "...Spirit helps us in our weakness. We don't know what we ought to pray for but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26
Romans is such an awesome book! Paul has SO MUCH knowledge! i really wish i could be mentored by him or...er a female version of him :Op He knows so much about God's grace and love and he doesn't take it for granted! it would be awesome to have things put into perspective by him of my life.
anywho, despite the troubled times i always am blessed with fun times. I drove to my beloved city Irvine for the first time!! and i went twice in one day. once to get my parents and the second to attend a wedding reception. Irvine's so nice, the speed limits are fast, and there's so much to do and so many people to see! i think by the time this week is up, i will have gone to irvine 4 different times in 2 weeks. :O] went there earlier this week cause i didn't have class and then going again for a funeral.
going to irvine is always anticipated by me because i always have such a blessed time there. when ryan and i used to visit uci's epic, they would always greet us with the warmest&surprised&excited greetings, we would get to eat yummy food that you cant' get anywhere else [or at least not in r'side], and the weather would be breezy-er. i could continue on but those are the main reasons why i always liked irvine and wanted to go there.
getting to revisit irvine was a blessing again because i got to meet with some friends and i was able to process some stuff and receive encouragement. i love the people there!! <3333
Thanksgiving Break recap:
-had a pre-thanksgiving dinner with Loribean's family and that was super sweet of her parents to do that
-thanksgiving service in the morning at church, dinner at the cousin's in tustin, and black friday shopping
-good to see church friends faces that i haven't in awhile
-good to see family and relatives that i haven't seen in awhile but have been keeping in touch with
and more to come cause break isn't over!! :O]
some main things i am THANKFUL FOR:
~God's never-ending love and grace
~family, no matter how many problems i have with them :Op
~Epic: -my fellow co-leaders and staff
-our wonderful servant team that has been very patient with us&supportive&understanding&helpful!!
-all the lessons i learn and have grown because of
~AACF: -my lovely and beautiful roomies with golden hearts
-supportive friends who i can still identify with even when we're in different clubs
-the feeding i receive from the worship and messages
~LGBT ministry, it's starting to kick off finally :O)
~Church, i always find home when i come back even when i've been gone for awhile. i love reconnecting with my brothers and sisters in Christ!!
and i could drone on and on but those are the main ones. i'm probably forgetting stuff. anywho, Praise the Lord for His goodness!!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
prayer, the thing most people fear
ok, maybe it's not the thing most people fear. but a lot of people sure do turn down the opportunity when asked to do so in front of groups.
for me, recently i've realized i often avoid prayer because i have trouble verbally forming words to express myself. i feel like i have some kind of disorder cause honestly i have the TOUGHEST time recalling simple words, thinking of how to explain myself, and just getting a point across. i always feel like moses and how he had a speech impediment. i used to make fun of people who stuttered but now i feel more comfortable around them because i have a similar problem! funny how that turned out.
anywho, it amazes me how selfish i can be when it comes to turning down prayer. i cower sometimes when given the opportunity to pray in front of groups because of how people will judge my prayer, i don't have anything to say, and words are just not appearing in my mind! but when one thinks about it, prayer is used as a tool to talk to God.
how PRECIOUS is it that we are presented with such a direct blessing to God??
and what an honor it really is to be able to lead our brothers and sisters in prayer. i think that's another thing that gets me nervous when having to pray in groups...knowing that we are leading our family into talking to God. knowing that everyone is listening and might agree/disagree is a lot of pressure. but it's still no reason to say no to. i still cannot believe how good God is that he allows us to pray directly to Him!! He really does love us :O]
and, after i pray, i always feel refreshed, understood, and expressed. prayer just gives one that feeling. :O)
anywho, so i told myself a few weeks ago that i would work more on prayer but my prayer life went the opposite direction and i do not want to continue that! therefore, if you see me and need prayer, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE to ask me!! i want to work more on it and would loooove to hear your prayer requests and would feel honored if you asked me to pray for you. that is all. :O)
"and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word." Acts 6:4
'if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
keep on talking to the Lord cause he desires to hear from you :O]
for me, recently i've realized i often avoid prayer because i have trouble verbally forming words to express myself. i feel like i have some kind of disorder cause honestly i have the TOUGHEST time recalling simple words, thinking of how to explain myself, and just getting a point across. i always feel like moses and how he had a speech impediment. i used to make fun of people who stuttered but now i feel more comfortable around them because i have a similar problem! funny how that turned out.
anywho, it amazes me how selfish i can be when it comes to turning down prayer. i cower sometimes when given the opportunity to pray in front of groups because of how people will judge my prayer, i don't have anything to say, and words are just not appearing in my mind! but when one thinks about it, prayer is used as a tool to talk to God.
how PRECIOUS is it that we are presented with such a direct blessing to God??
and what an honor it really is to be able to lead our brothers and sisters in prayer. i think that's another thing that gets me nervous when having to pray in groups...knowing that we are leading our family into talking to God. knowing that everyone is listening and might agree/disagree is a lot of pressure. but it's still no reason to say no to. i still cannot believe how good God is that he allows us to pray directly to Him!! He really does love us :O]
and, after i pray, i always feel refreshed, understood, and expressed. prayer just gives one that feeling. :O)
anywho, so i told myself a few weeks ago that i would work more on prayer but my prayer life went the opposite direction and i do not want to continue that! therefore, if you see me and need prayer, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE to ask me!! i want to work more on it and would loooove to hear your prayer requests and would feel honored if you asked me to pray for you. that is all. :O)
"and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word." Acts 6:4
'if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
keep on talking to the Lord cause he desires to hear from you :O]
Rejoice in the Lord!!
so...this past sunday i went to a black [forgive my un-politically-correctness] church just to experience it. :O) brought 5 other people with me [all asian except marissa.HAH!].
so i googled it and found Second Baptist Church in Riverside. i wonder why it's called second baptist.
anywho, it was a VERY long service. on the website, it said the service is from 10:15am-11:15am but it turned out to be 2 hours long!! they worshipped for like an hour and a half and the rest of the half hour was for the message. it was pretty intense.
they were reallllly welcoming though and so friendly. not afraid to give hugs or kisses too. aha.
it was funny hearing the pastor say "i wish i had somebody" when he wanted his congregation to say amen in response.
there was also one random white girl in their choir. i thought it was cool though :O)
and at the end, the senior pastor called us out by saying he knows there are visitors and asked us to come to the front so he could meet us. it was really funny cause our whole group took up a whole pew in the sanctuary. but yeah, the pastor was really nice!!
something i really appreciated and found refreshing from the whole experience, mainly the worship, was how much they really praise God for his grace&mercies and they are not concerned about how they look when they worship. they give it their all! they truly REJOICE in the Lord. i loved watching and experiencing it. it was a good reminder to me of how i should be worshipping God. He deserves so much praise for what He does in my life. even the fact that i have life is a gift and blessing! getting to join in worship with them was a fun blessing and good reminder :O] they even fist pumped at one moment&i joined in for a few pumps ;O)
i think we should all approach worship with a glad&thankful heart towards our loving Savior. we should not care about how we look when we worship Him because he deserves our everything-even down to our leg movements and clapping hands. :O] If we can get others to join in on worship, then i think it's a great feat to have our worship be contagious just like theirs was. i really appreciated that. Worship should also be free, a time to express oneself to one's Lord. We need to give it our all even if it makes us sweaty in the end and in need of the fanning motion.
"I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!" Deuteronomy 32:3
"For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods." 1 Chronicles 16:25
"Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, in the city of our God, his holy mountain." Psalm 48:1
"My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever." Psalm 145:21
I PRAISE YOU GOD!!!!
so i googled it and found Second Baptist Church in Riverside. i wonder why it's called second baptist.
anywho, it was a VERY long service. on the website, it said the service is from 10:15am-11:15am but it turned out to be 2 hours long!! they worshipped for like an hour and a half and the rest of the half hour was for the message. it was pretty intense.
they were reallllly welcoming though and so friendly. not afraid to give hugs or kisses too. aha.
it was funny hearing the pastor say "i wish i had somebody" when he wanted his congregation to say amen in response.
there was also one random white girl in their choir. i thought it was cool though :O)
and at the end, the senior pastor called us out by saying he knows there are visitors and asked us to come to the front so he could meet us. it was really funny cause our whole group took up a whole pew in the sanctuary. but yeah, the pastor was really nice!!
something i really appreciated and found refreshing from the whole experience, mainly the worship, was how much they really praise God for his grace&mercies and they are not concerned about how they look when they worship. they give it their all! they truly REJOICE in the Lord. i loved watching and experiencing it. it was a good reminder to me of how i should be worshipping God. He deserves so much praise for what He does in my life. even the fact that i have life is a gift and blessing! getting to join in worship with them was a fun blessing and good reminder :O] they even fist pumped at one moment&i joined in for a few pumps ;O)
i think we should all approach worship with a glad&thankful heart towards our loving Savior. we should not care about how we look when we worship Him because he deserves our everything-even down to our leg movements and clapping hands. :O] If we can get others to join in on worship, then i think it's a great feat to have our worship be contagious just like theirs was. i really appreciated that. Worship should also be free, a time to express oneself to one's Lord. We need to give it our all even if it makes us sweaty in the end and in need of the fanning motion.
"I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!" Deuteronomy 32:3
"For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods." 1 Chronicles 16:25
"Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, in the city of our God, his holy mountain." Psalm 48:1
"My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever." Psalm 145:21
I PRAISE YOU GOD!!!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
temptation
man, i have a weak will. you know, some people have strong wills. i have a weak one :O( i give in so easily!
i told myself i wouldn't shop but i have shopped three, maybe four times, this week and have bought something at every trip!
not only that, i told myself i would eat better but today i ate SO much crap--->croissant,milk tea,diddy riese,pink's hot dog with chili&cheese&bacon,soda, and UGH i just feel sooo gross.
i also told myself i'd study more and play less but i have been playing sooo much since thursday. it's like when i'm doing bad in school, i feel so far sunk that i feel hopeless and just play out my feelings.
the only thing i've been doing more that i said i would do, is practicing my guitar. i'm making sure to play everyday so that i can keep my callouses and transition from chords more easily. it's really fun playing when i can actually do it ahah
oh Lord, please grant me more discipline and encouragement to stick to my word!!!!
if you are reading this and you see me, or feel like texting me, remind me to put God first and to study :Op thanks! cheerio!
i told myself i wouldn't shop but i have shopped three, maybe four times, this week and have bought something at every trip!
not only that, i told myself i would eat better but today i ate SO much crap--->croissant,milk tea,diddy riese,pink's hot dog with chili&cheese&bacon,soda, and UGH i just feel sooo gross.
i also told myself i'd study more and play less but i have been playing sooo much since thursday. it's like when i'm doing bad in school, i feel so far sunk that i feel hopeless and just play out my feelings.
the only thing i've been doing more that i said i would do, is practicing my guitar. i'm making sure to play everyday so that i can keep my callouses and transition from chords more easily. it's really fun playing when i can actually do it ahah
oh Lord, please grant me more discipline and encouragement to stick to my word!!!!
if you are reading this and you see me, or feel like texting me, remind me to put God first and to study :Op thanks! cheerio!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
there is not a more resplendent picture
yesterday at our servant team meeting, our staff Robbyn came out and led us into a devotional using the passage Psalm 23 and a book that a real life shepherd wrote on reflecting upon the passage.
there were a lot of things that stuck out to me all from just one chapter in the book!
-the shepherd shared how when the flock retired to find shade "there, fully satisfied and happily refreshed, they would lie down to rest and ruminate through the day. nothing pleased me more."
he then made the connection how God also loves to see us "contented, quiet, at rest, and relaxed. He delights to know my soul and spirit have been refreshed and satisfied."
did you catch that last sentence?
i thought it was well put and very interesting. I never thought about God finding delight in our being happy. it's great to know that and just makes being happy even more special!!
-the descriptions and words the author used was also very beautiful and helped me paint a delightful picture in my mind.
"Of course, dew is a clear, clean, pure source of water. And there is no more resplendent picture of still waters than the silver droplets of dew hanging heavy on leaves and grass at break of day."
That is the kind of water God offers us. he doesn't give us dirtied water or ok water, but he gives us the best and cleanest water he could offer!
some warnings that he brought up is how "when sheep are thirsty they become restless and set out in search of water. If not led to the good water supplies of clean, pure water, they will often end up drinking from the polluted pot holes where they pick up such internal parasites as nematodes, liver flukes, or other disease germs"
it's funny to reflect upon how stupid we are when we look for satisfaction in temporary and other stuff. yet, here God is holding out the best there is to get! and we are either too impatient or unwilling to ask Him for it. how foolish of us.
the last point i really liked:
"In the Christian life exactly the same applies. Many of the places we may be led into will appear to us as dark, deep, dangerous, and somewhat disagreeable. But it simply must be remembered that He is there with us in it. He is very much at work in the situation. It is His energy, effort, and strength expended on my behalf that even in this deep, dark place is bound to produce a benefit for me. It is there that I will discover He only can really satisfy me."
"It is He who makes sense and purpose and meaning come out of situations which otherwise would be abut a mockery to me. I discover I am the object of His special are and attention. My thirst for reality in life is assuaged, and I discover that I have found that satisfaction in my Master."
i love the shepherd and sheep analogy :O]
there were a lot of things that stuck out to me all from just one chapter in the book!
-the shepherd shared how when the flock retired to find shade "there, fully satisfied and happily refreshed, they would lie down to rest and ruminate through the day. nothing pleased me more."
he then made the connection how God also loves to see us "contented, quiet, at rest, and relaxed. He delights to know my soul and spirit have been refreshed and satisfied."
did you catch that last sentence?
i thought it was well put and very interesting. I never thought about God finding delight in our being happy. it's great to know that and just makes being happy even more special!!
-the descriptions and words the author used was also very beautiful and helped me paint a delightful picture in my mind.
"Of course, dew is a clear, clean, pure source of water. And there is no more resplendent picture of still waters than the silver droplets of dew hanging heavy on leaves and grass at break of day."
That is the kind of water God offers us. he doesn't give us dirtied water or ok water, but he gives us the best and cleanest water he could offer!
some warnings that he brought up is how "when sheep are thirsty they become restless and set out in search of water. If not led to the good water supplies of clean, pure water, they will often end up drinking from the polluted pot holes where they pick up such internal parasites as nematodes, liver flukes, or other disease germs"
it's funny to reflect upon how stupid we are when we look for satisfaction in temporary and other stuff. yet, here God is holding out the best there is to get! and we are either too impatient or unwilling to ask Him for it. how foolish of us.
the last point i really liked:
"In the Christian life exactly the same applies. Many of the places we may be led into will appear to us as dark, deep, dangerous, and somewhat disagreeable. But it simply must be remembered that He is there with us in it. He is very much at work in the situation. It is His energy, effort, and strength expended on my behalf that even in this deep, dark place is bound to produce a benefit for me. It is there that I will discover He only can really satisfy me."
"It is He who makes sense and purpose and meaning come out of situations which otherwise would be abut a mockery to me. I discover I am the object of His special are and attention. My thirst for reality in life is assuaged, and I discover that I have found that satisfaction in my Master."
i love the shepherd and sheep analogy :O]
Thursday, November 4, 2010
unexpected encouragement
God always knows best.
His timing is incredible how exactly right things fall into place!!
so i should be studying but i really really wanted to blog about this before i forget and just to share in hopes of it being encouraging to others.
so remember that post i did about going to the candlelight vigil that the LGBT resource center put on for the recent gay suicides? and remember how i wrote about one guy approached us afterwards and he was looking for a christian fellowship? well, that day, grace and i told him about aacf but he never showed up. and we weren't able to get his contact info so it was a fail :O(
BUUUUUT!! all of that changed today!! jenny, and i went to do Soularium [a survey used for evangelizing] near coffee bean and we saw this one guy by himself at a table. we weren't sure if we should approach because he looked stressed&like he was studying but we decided to try it anyways thinking maybe we can help him de-stress a little by him focusing on a picture survey for a little while :O)
welllllll, when he turned around, i IMMEDIATELY recognized his face but could NOT place from where. it started to bug me and i was really scared to introduce myself because i've had many moments where i have approached the same person before and they told me i already did the survey with them :Op quite embarrassing and due to my lack of memory.
anywho, once he said his name, i immediately remembered where i met him. and i was SO excited i couldn't contain it and shouted "oh my gosh! it's you! we met at the LGBT candlelight thingy, remember? and you never came to aacf :O(" and then, he actually remembered me too!! and he was sad saying he wanted to go to aacf but fell asleep and didn't wake up in time.
anywho, this time i made sure to get some contact info and his full name!!
i was SO shocked at how we finally found him!! grace and i were trying to find him. and look at God's timing :O)
AAAAND, if that wasn't enough, he actually came out to Epic tonight!! i was beyond happy!!! i told him i was sooo happy he came and he said he was too and enjoyed it :O) isn't that awesome?? i still can't believe it! i seriously thought we would never see him again. so crazy!! God totally had it planned out!!
there were other encouraging moments today too just seeing people step out and evangelize, receiving epic shirts finally&seeing our group all wear it in unison, having 2 people come to the FIRST prayer meeting for epic, and sooo many other things. God is awesome!!
He sure knows how to cheer me up :O]
His timing is incredible how exactly right things fall into place!!
so i should be studying but i really really wanted to blog about this before i forget and just to share in hopes of it being encouraging to others.
so remember that post i did about going to the candlelight vigil that the LGBT resource center put on for the recent gay suicides? and remember how i wrote about one guy approached us afterwards and he was looking for a christian fellowship? well, that day, grace and i told him about aacf but he never showed up. and we weren't able to get his contact info so it was a fail :O(
BUUUUUT!! all of that changed today!! jenny, and i went to do Soularium [a survey used for evangelizing] near coffee bean and we saw this one guy by himself at a table. we weren't sure if we should approach because he looked stressed&like he was studying but we decided to try it anyways thinking maybe we can help him de-stress a little by him focusing on a picture survey for a little while :O)
welllllll, when he turned around, i IMMEDIATELY recognized his face but could NOT place from where. it started to bug me and i was really scared to introduce myself because i've had many moments where i have approached the same person before and they told me i already did the survey with them :Op quite embarrassing and due to my lack of memory.
anywho, once he said his name, i immediately remembered where i met him. and i was SO excited i couldn't contain it and shouted "oh my gosh! it's you! we met at the LGBT candlelight thingy, remember? and you never came to aacf :O(" and then, he actually remembered me too!! and he was sad saying he wanted to go to aacf but fell asleep and didn't wake up in time.
anywho, this time i made sure to get some contact info and his full name!!
i was SO shocked at how we finally found him!! grace and i were trying to find him. and look at God's timing :O)
AAAAND, if that wasn't enough, he actually came out to Epic tonight!! i was beyond happy!!! i told him i was sooo happy he came and he said he was too and enjoyed it :O) isn't that awesome?? i still can't believe it! i seriously thought we would never see him again. so crazy!! God totally had it planned out!!
there were other encouraging moments today too just seeing people step out and evangelize, receiving epic shirts finally&seeing our group all wear it in unison, having 2 people come to the FIRST prayer meeting for epic, and sooo many other things. God is awesome!!
He sure knows how to cheer me up :O]
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
i need a breather
man everything is so ONGOING. i have dark and huge bags under my eyes that will probably NEVER go away and will only get worse [it's so bad that i'm even considering wearing makeup to conceal it]. i've been trying to get sleep but everything is like fighting for my time [and i don't mean that in a popular context or any conceited way at all].
today's schedule looked like this:
8:30am-wake up to use water because water was going to be shut off at 9am so had to get ready before that
9am-devos but so much to do that i feel i don't have enough time to really dive into prayer
10am-write Epic email to inform when we're meeting and include some announcements
11am-eat a snack but not enough time to make lunch
12pm-worked on something
1pm-pick up girls for women's time but ended up only having to get one girl. we still had fun and bought matching necklaces, ate yummy tacos, and went antique store shopping :O]
3pm-drop girl off and pick up other friend to take them to campus
4pm-figure out rent, pay rent, add money to laundry card
5pm-frantically work on getting study guide questions done to turn them in so i can receive other answers from study group
6pm-drive a friend back to her house that's super far from campus, get gas, rush home, drop off roomie and pick up guitar
7pm-practice/prepare for worship Thursday with Joel [and chris and aaron ahah]
11pm-worship prepping took forever and left my fingers sore and throat tired, ate some starbucks sandwiches, quick laughs with eric, roomies, and josh
12am-facebook break to relieve myself of reality
1am-homework but still breaks to check email, event i have to attend tomorrow, figure out schedule tomorrow
2am-wanting to shower but freaking water is not producing hot water, dreading tomorrow knowing i have class&will fall asleep, water is going to be shut off again from 9am-6pm and will have an equally if not more BUSY schedule tomorrow!!
oh my gosh! i almost want to say i want out. but it's just my tiredness speaking. this is when i realize i'm relying on people [for happiness, energy, etc] and time to turn to God and repent, receive, and release.
Lord, i need this verse to come true in my life again- "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
p.s. if you're reading this, please pray for me :O]
today's schedule looked like this:
8:30am-wake up to use water because water was going to be shut off at 9am so had to get ready before that
9am-devos but so much to do that i feel i don't have enough time to really dive into prayer
10am-write Epic email to inform when we're meeting and include some announcements
11am-eat a snack but not enough time to make lunch
12pm-worked on something
1pm-pick up girls for women's time but ended up only having to get one girl. we still had fun and bought matching necklaces, ate yummy tacos, and went antique store shopping :O]
3pm-drop girl off and pick up other friend to take them to campus
4pm-figure out rent, pay rent, add money to laundry card
5pm-frantically work on getting study guide questions done to turn them in so i can receive other answers from study group
6pm-drive a friend back to her house that's super far from campus, get gas, rush home, drop off roomie and pick up guitar
7pm-practice/prepare for worship Thursday with Joel [and chris and aaron ahah]
11pm-worship prepping took forever and left my fingers sore and throat tired, ate some starbucks sandwiches, quick laughs with eric, roomies, and josh
12am-facebook break to relieve myself of reality
1am-homework but still breaks to check email, event i have to attend tomorrow, figure out schedule tomorrow
2am-wanting to shower but freaking water is not producing hot water, dreading tomorrow knowing i have class&will fall asleep, water is going to be shut off again from 9am-6pm and will have an equally if not more BUSY schedule tomorrow!!
oh my gosh! i almost want to say i want out. but it's just my tiredness speaking. this is when i realize i'm relying on people [for happiness, energy, etc] and time to turn to God and repent, receive, and release.
Lord, i need this verse to come true in my life again- "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
p.s. if you're reading this, please pray for me :O]
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