creative writing

creative writing, what do you picture when you hear that? you picture writing that is going to have lots of creative stuff in it of course!

mmm there might be other stuff you consider as well but when i first signed up to take this class, i was excited because i like to write and explore in writing and i had a feeling this class would take me there. and take me there it did! in fact, it took me even further than i imagined!

this class has been very insightful. the professor is not a christian but the things that she says can really parallel to christian terms and ideas and meanings. she talks a lot about allowing oneself to flow freely and to not hold back. the biggest point she has made so far is about being honest. about willing to be "naked" in front of people and bare all. she talked about the difference between nude and naked and now nude is seen as more polite and artsy while as naked is shocking, truthful, and even offensive at times.

i like to think of myself as an honest person. someone who doesn't lie because it's a sin. of course i am not perfect and i never consider myself anything near that. but, i like to try my best to abide by the rules.
anywho, as we were exploring this in creative writing [this=honesty&nakedness], i realized there is a lot i hold back from. i have a lot of fear. i like to think i don't and that i can get over what i need to but sometimes it's so natural that i don't realize i am clothing myself with lies. or that i am holding tightly onto my clothes and not allowing myself to be sincere and unfeigned.

this class has really started to move me forward in that direction. it's like pushing me on the diving board to get closer to the edge. my professor went out on a big leap herself and bared her soul in front of us. she shared what she really struggles with and shared painful childhood memories. she allowed herself to go past nude so that we could understand what she is trying to teach us. so that we could do the same and be brave enough to set ourselves free.

i have respect for how she was able to so honestly speak in front of 270 students that she does not know and that she might never see again. she is that passionate about teaching and helping us learn. i don't see how i can not be moved and want to follow.

being brave is never a natural talent. it is something one must learn. it is something one must push themselves to do in order to be great. but in my case, i don't want to be great. i want the Lord's greatness to shine. i want to push myself to be great in Him and for Him.

i've been doing a lot of reflecting as i'm preparing for our class project at the end where we have to write a story about our life. it has to be a story that is only about us. a story that is complicated. a story that breaks the barrier that holds in all the emotions and that will allow it to spill forth like a fountain. ah, did you catch that? i'm trying to use more description, another thing creative writing has taught me. details and specifics helps bring the reader into the writer's life.

there's so much more to be said about what is being learned in this class but that would be an even longer post than this is already turning out to be. stay tuned for more updates and i'll probably be practicing some stuff i want to put into practice from class.

thank God for our unique creativity and our own personal stories that can not match anyone else. He INTENTIONALLY gives us our very own journey to walk through so that we can never get bored of meeting people and so that we can give Him glory in a million + more ways ;O)

encouragement

so i made this blog to help myself stop repressing my thoughts and feelings. and ultimately i wanted to encourage others through my learned experiences. but sometimes i just plain need to rant. then after ranting, i can go back and look at what i need to work on and how i can use my hard times as edification towards God.

things are so frustrating back at home. i can't emphasize enough how challenging it has been. someone pointed out to me that God has been paving the way for me to come back home after i graduate. i see it too and i am SO grateful for it. but amidst the blessings lie challenges and hardships. i know these are here to grow me and help me understand things in the long run.

yet...sometimes its so hard to regain perspective. this summer has been THE toughest time i've ever spent with my family. there's been arguments, yelling, disrespect, tears, hurt feelings, heartbreaking truths revealed, awkward silences, etc.
with family, this is expected to happen. no family is perfect. it's annoying because a lot of people expect my family to be perfect. they see the outside and never consider the inside. they judge based on what they know but they never consider what they do NOT know. i know i cannot blame them for not being aware but they should try to be a little more...how to say...discerning with what they say about and to my family.

i keep thinking about how after 4 years, i'm finally coming back home permanently. it's going to be a lot of change. DEFINITELY challenging. i know it won't be easy for them too. it will take a lot of adjusting.
post grads have warned me about this all the time. and i have been preparing for it cause i already knew it would happen. but be warned and prepared can't really prevent conflict and hard times from happening.

ok focusing on all of this can be depressing and bring one in such a downer mood. so i will share how music has helped me. music really is good for the soul. i don't understand how some people do not like music or don't have favorite bands or genres. music is amazing. it really does calm me or encourage me [christian music or other genres] when i am feeling down or discouraged. as i was writing this, i was listening to pandora on my Jadon Lavik station/channel. so many songs that speak directly to what i'm going through. praise God for his everlasting knowledge and understanding....and his love [the MOST powerful thing].

so much more to blog about that happened this summer but that will have to happen another time.

if you read this, please pray for me to continue holding tightly onto God, the ultimate father who never stops loving and teaching us life lessons.

pthhh

sorry. it's another complaining post. i'm so unhappy right now. every year i don't get to go on a mission's trip, i feel so un-useful. and especially now that i'm out of ministry currently, i am feeling really useless.

i'm not sure what God is calling me to right now. there's a few things i can do like minister to the roomies but besides that, i want to be a part of something great! i want to be able to travel somewhere and meet new people in a different culture and express to them a love that only Jesus Christ could fill their lives with. i want to be able to put myself in danger for His kingdom.

right now...i'm in summer school and i totally do not feel like i am making an impact at all. school has been hard. i've been studying a LOT [at least i think it's a lot cause it's a lot more than i would ever or have ever done] and yet it seems like it hasn't really been paying off. it's so frustrating because i spend hours trying to memorize things but there's so much information that my memory cannot retain it all. i don't know how bio majors memorize all of the terms they need to. i could never.

i think i am just really frustrated right now because of school. *sigh*


Lord, please come down and give me peace. the peace that only you can fill me with. show me new ways to serve you. God, i feel so useless and lame. i need a purpose and to do something for you!! Lord, speak to my heart. show me how to listen to you and obey blindly. i love you.

pity party

there's nothing like a good 'ol pity party, huh?

it's never complete without insecurity attending.

and worst of all, satan loves watching and throwing in some spice of his own.


Lord, please keep me strong. Show me my strengths in you. Help me to overcome my weaknesses. Remind me of my identity in you and how you can work even through my failures. There are so many times where i feel unworthy and ashamed. Help me not to compare myself to others. To stay strong in who you are instead of who i am. Lord, i know you have made me for a purpose. I have had a few life defining moments and those were so sweet. They were greater than any fun experience i've ever had. Those moments were a gift from you to remind me that i am loved and that i need to show love. Please continue to break me and build me into the woman you want me to be. I will never stop being yours nor will i ever stop loving and pursuing you. Thank you for holding onto me tight and holding me close in my most vulnerable moments. You are the best daddy ever!! <3

All to Jesus I Surrender

that song...it grips my heart.

here are the lyrics:

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

2. All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.
(Refrain)

3. All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.
(Refrain)

4. All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.
(Refrain)

5. All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!
(Refrain)



God, i lay my dreams and deepest desires at your feet. I'm ready to let go. I am ready to move on and stop groveling when i don't get what i want. I know i need to stop dwelling. I have experienced your goodness and i know you truly have the best in store for me. My heart thinks it knows what is best, especially when circumstances line up. Yet God has proved time and time again that He is in control and not me nor my actions. He uses our wrong choices or disobedience for His glory as well because He is that amazing. It is that type of amazing that i want in my life. I would rather God work through my successes instead of failures.

So here's to giving God my all!!



cheers to Christ!

1 year anniversary

i know...i'm one of those sentimental people who have to remember every anniversary for everything. jk. i'd say not for EVERYTHING. but today is the day, a year ago, where i first started writing in this blog. i made this blog exactly a year ago.

crazyness!! :O) i can't believe it's been a year already. it's cool to look back on my posts and see what God has and is continuing to do. the purpose of this blog was to be able to express myself in a way that is easiest for me and to encourage others with my posts. i didn't want to just get everything out or complain but i wanted to be able to record how God has been working in my life exactly- through the good times and bad.

God is continuing to mold me in so many ways. i learn new lessons everyday. things start to change once i apply them :O)
seeing God in action is an amazing thing and really eye opening.

may this blog bring God glory through what He is doing in my life!! i am encouraged by the comments or verbal opinions my readers respond to my posts :O] thanks for your dedication in reading this. or if no one is reading this, i am still blessed to be able to get everything out and look back on God's wonderfulness.

cheers to 1 year anniversary of blogging on blogger :O) !!!!

the Lord reigns

God really knows best. not just knows best, but REALLY does.

this weekend i went to FECG's 2011 summer all-church retreat. it was SUCH a blessing. it was fulfilling, restoring, and delighting.

i have grown to appreciate and love my church so much over the years. i thank God so much for taking us out of EFC and challenging us by placing us into FEC. the small acronym name change compares not to the changes it has made in our lives.

this weekend, i saw our church move forward in unity. we were able to overcome intergenerational differences and to support one another in humbleness and love. people who never acknowledged me or talked to me before were suddenly conversating with me!

we were really moved by Chris Rattay's life example of following Jesus. this guy is one amazing speaker. the Lord has really given him a crazy story [or several stories within his major one] to share with many people to encourage and build them up to KEEP STRIVING for Jesus.

i've taken countless lessons out of this retreat. i have so many hopes and my passion has been refueled. i thoroughly enjoyed spending time with all of those i was able to talk to, play with, eat with, and learn with.

i have walked away with a new outlook on my life. God has restored my identity and brought me back to Him. a burden has been released. a new hope and perspective has been set into my life.

even though the weather was meltingly hot, i was happy to have my church experience what i go through and they asked me for food recommendations later which made me feel so happy to be able to help and share what i've experienced here in Riverside :O)

i love every one of my church members/attendees. from the babies to the elderly, they are ALL so precious. there are still some people that i need to work on loving but overall, i am blessed to have interaction with them.

there are 2 main points i have taken away that i really want to build into my actions and in how i respond to people.
1-Genesis 1:27 reminds us of how we are created in God's image. this means i need to start treating people as the precious beings God has made them into. i joke and tease a lot because it's something i've known for way too long. i've experienced the negative and positive effects of teasing. and lately, i've been experiencing so much of the negative effects and i'm tired of it. it's time for it to stop. this doesn't mean i'm going to be entirely serious but i want to stop joking so much. it's become a bad habit where i am hurting people unintentionally with my words because it is really true that every joke has a little truth to it. i want to break the pattern of teasing just because i ran out of other things to say or because they are teasing me. it's time to respond in love and respect. i want to be respected as well and that is the only way i can see myself working towards that goal.

2-Chris Rattay shared a story of Desmond Tutu and how he did not allow the urgent and chaos drive his agenda. He allowed God to lead him and never let anything interrupt his prayer time with the Lord. i am so inspired by that and it spoke straight to me. i am a very crazy person where i allow things i think that are important overcome my spiritual walk without realizing in the long run, it is very damaging. Chris helped me to understand by putting it into perspective of how it takes trust to rely on God and not worry about making the wrong decision. One must allow God to work through them and in order to do that, one has to set aside time to spend with the ultimate creator in silence and solitude. urgent matters can wait. if it really is an emergency, God will lead. He will speak.

praise God once again for all He has done in our hearts this weekend. it was discovered that there was a lot of spiritual warfare before the retreat began and it makes sense now because the enemy saw how God wanted to do this great thing and he tried to stop it but FAILED. God is triumphant, He is our protector.

the Lord knows best. :O] there is so much more to be said but i need to go back to studying. i just had to write this little bit out to share a glimpse of how God has been working in me.

PRAISE YOU JESUS, HALLELUJAH!!!