ahh...blogging...it's a great release for me. i like to express myself this way because it's easier to type than write and my handwriting is not great. i can also take my time coming up with sentences and delete easily. i always express myself better in non-verbal ways.
i've been wanting to blog for a long time but...
recently, a LOT of transition has been happening. i haven't even had time to realize it or catch up with it sometimes because it was so fast and so sudden. people have come and gone...mostly are gone. and i'm left there just feeling so abandoned and with a sad heart. yet, God has never left. He also has provided me with friends who have not left and are here to stay as well. I am ever grateful for that.
as 4 years have come and gone, i knew i would have to let go of people. i also knew it would be extremely hard. i thought there would be tears. but i can't tell if it's my repression or if i'm still in shock. i think i'm still in shock. finals came and graduation hit like a rock being dropped from above. people moved out and i didn't get to say goodbye to everyone. some people are still here but only for less than 2 weeks. when i think about them leaving, it makes me really really sad.
i've grown to love these sisters and brothers for who they are and everything that comes with their package. knowing that they are leaving on their next step in life is bittersweet for me. i am so happy for them accomplishing graduation and for some of them finding jobs or getting into grad schools. yet, i can't help but have my fleshly selfish feelings come in and really miss them and hanging out with them and talking with them and having fun with them. a lot of these people also checked up on me a lot and were there for me. to know they are leaving and going to places where i can't visit because it's too far, can be depressing.
but it's during those times where i must lift myself up by reminding myself that God has them where they are at for a reason and i should just be grateful that i even had the opportunity to grow with them and from them.
part of my personality is i will always be a kid at heart. i never want to grow up. in terms of coping with change, it's always hard on me. initially i might take it well because i'm open to new things but when it starts to affect how i'm used to experiencing blessings, it takes me awhile to accept the change. it's part of the process of allowing God to daily transform me. daily is hard.
this post is mainly to the graduates at Riverside because my church graduates i will still see around, thank God :O)
another struggle is accepting that i, myself did not graduate this year. there are a lot of times where i feel shame because i stayed behind and missed out on the celebrating. i wish i could've graduated with a lot of people or on the same year but at the same time i'm blessed to have other friends to walk with next year! i also know God has me here for a purpose. sure, it's my fault i'm staying longer but God works through that as well.
it always comes down to trusting God. staying close to His heart and knowing how He works. we cannot predict but we can have faith and pray constantly. we must always grasp at the new blessings he is showering us with and to not take for granted what He is already doing in our lives amidst the chaos and sadness.
thank you Lord, for your never-ending goodness.
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