wow. i haven't written in here for more than a month. i really wanted to write about my birthday but never had a chance. there have also been so many more events that have happened that i wanted to record and share about but time is so limited.
right now, in life, there are so many things weighing on me. responsibilities that bring me feelings of fault, reputation on the line, necessity, pressure, reminders of my incapability's&dependency, and so much more!! it's never-ending and i feel like i'm swirling around and around in a tornado of things i have to get done and decisions i have to make.
yet...
something's not right if i am feeling stressed. i am obviously not turning to God if i am relying on my own strength. it really is a constant STRUGGLE with one's flesh [in terms of battling what my desires and thoughts tell me to do verses surrendering to God my problems and allowing Him to take over].
expectations and confusion have taken over my life and i don't know what to do. and the worse part is, i have to figure it out for myself! that is the downside to free will. i can ask all the questions i want, i can listen to all the answers i can hear; but ultimately it is up to me to make the decision of deciding how to approach all the situations i am placed in. my mind likes to play games with me and i bet a big part is satan whispering lies into my brain as well. i don't know where i'd be without the Lord and those who pray for me. i'm probably not even making sense to whoever is reading this.
it's hard sharing about my life because i feel like i'm being judged. for example, i want to write about this weekend and how i went to 2 birthday parties and one bridal shower. but i know people are going to make comments like "oh wow you're so popular. you get invited to everything" or "you're always so busy! you never have time for me" and etc. people NEVER consider how those comments make me feel. they hurt. they make me sad because the fact that those had to be said shows that the person does not really know how much i care about them and that i'm not trying to brag, and i'm not trying to avoid them, but i just committed to other things first or i really just wanted to share about what i did. and by the way, i still never know how to respond to the comment when people say i'm popular. if i say no, i'd be lying. if i say yes, i'd be conceited. what is the correct response that can be accepted??
a lot of times when people make those comments, they're joking. people can joke, but i think it is true that when people are joking, half of the time it is serious. that's the danger of joking and teasing. it also can be misinterpreted in many ways.
anywho, i've also been averaging 6 hours every night of sleep. that may sound like a lot to some of you but that is not nearly enough for me. i think i need at least 7 or 8 [or maybe even 9]. trust me, an hour makes a difference to my body. anywho, everything that has been piling up-figuring out graduation plans, summer school plans, and even summer plans in general has been so much to think about while still balancing school, ministry, friends, family, personal health [i always do a poor job at this one] etc.
i can't figure out of the problem is me overcommitting to things or if it's just not knowing what to commit to. i need more Jesus time. i've allowed everything to overcome me instead of allowing Christ overcome me.
time to reverse things. please pray for me. i feel like i've only begun to grasp a few sand-rocks-full of knowledge of God [that's exciting and discouraging at the same time. exciting cause there's so much more to know&one can never get tired of learning about Him. discouraging because it's been 4 years since i started to take my walk more seriously and i still have not obtained as much knowledge as i thought i had or wished for].
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